Music Review: Please Describe Yourself by Dogs Die in Hot Cars (2004)

Please Describe Yourself, the debut album from Scottish Indie rockers Dogs Die in Hot Cars, is like your oldest friend that you don't speak to enough. You could go months at a time without thinking about it but when you do rediscover it, it's exactly as you remembered, yet different, somehow always managing to carry new meaning, relating to something completely new to you as if it had known all along and was just waiting for you to realise. It's also an incredibly fun album with brilliant hooks and a diverse range of riffs and bouncy beats nearly all of which seem to inspire a terrific energy in the listener, if not only to keep up with that of the music itself.


It's no surprise that Dogs never took off with the mainstream crowds, it's intelligent lyrics, relatable to seemingly anyone depending on the song in question, and broad focus musically have never been a fashionable prospect in the Top 40 charts but it's disappointing  that Please Describe Yourself never attracted more attention from the alternative crowds for the exact same reasons.
The instruments throughout the album all seem to mesh together so well that by the time you're tapping along, it's likely that you'll be losing focus on where the drum beats end and where the piercing keyboards begin. The guitar work occasionally breaks out into a frenzied display of pure wankery but at no point are any of the other contributions to the song overshadowed and it never really becomes a solo as the drum fills and backing vocals will often become equally erratic.

Dogs Die in Hot Cars
but you can bury them alive without fuss.

The lyrics show a similar zest for defying conventional expectations as they square up to the banalities of life with a perception so dark it's possible to find yourself experiencing a bizarre moment of clarity as you realise just what it is the song is actually about, despite the generally upbeat sound of each song. It's a jarring juxtaposition that really drives the points that Dogs are trying to make home but the good-natured tone of the album is never sacrificed, thanks to some very clever and specific choices in the presentation of the words

The layout of the album is not entirely unpredictable, but used to good effect nontheless, starting strong and bouncy, descending to a more slower tempo'd low-key nature until the final third of the album ramps the speed and pace back to the rate it was from the introduction and further.
The first track, Godhopping, could more than any other track, be described as furiously bouncy mostly thanks to the consistently jangly piano that plays throughout the song and really sets the tone for the entire album with it's criticism of people who jump from religion to religion based on fashion. It's not an angry track but it does feel almost pitiful of the subjects in reference.
Lounger is a song far more intelligent song than it has any right to be, sung from the perspective of an over-educated layabout who takes pleasure in the smallest things. The guitar riffs are what stick out here, with a specifically scratchy voice that sounds as if it wouldn't be out of place amongst surf guitar.

He loves you 'cause...he's a robot?

The vocals arguably steal the lime-light in I Love You 'Cause I Have To as lead singer Craig Macintosh ranges from howling the chorus to spitting out verses in a manner not entirely dissimilar to that of a rapper with tenacious passion. Although potentially the most shallow song on the album it is, naturally, the most generally enjoyable.
Despite the almost generic tone set up by the acoustic strumming and off-beat percussions, Celebrity Sanctum  rapidly becomes more than your average love song as soon as the vocals kick in as the lyrics manage to describe a blatantly disturbing obsessive who genuinely manages to come off as sweet whilst pouring his heart out to his most lusted after celebs, or at least their appearances in magazines. This is potentially the most awkwardly pleasant song ever recorded and all the more brilliant for it.
Somewhat Off the Way is an existential song focusing on where an individual belongs in society with a choral moaning that enforces the entire message with an almost traditional effect. It feels like the most personal song on the album but is written in a manner that anybody with a lame job can understand and acknowledge. Opening with lyrics such as "Were the teachers any good at it? Were they good at their jobs? It must be hard, Can they handle it, When we've become what they'd said we'd not?" initially suggests a bitterness that the song perfectly encapsulates with feelings of loss and hope.
Apples and Oranges feels like a song mostly written about life, for the sake of life both in lyrics and instrumentals. Compared to every other song on the album, it's a little unfocused and lacks a distinct point, other than it seems to exist, but the buzzy high pitched beeps of the keyboard manage to make the track entirely listenable.
Almost acting as the antithesis of every mindless pop song ever written, Modern Woman explains the horror young men growing old face as they begin to recieve less attention for their handsomeness. It's a warping song considering the modern conventions of pop music seem to be to instil a sense of constant beauty to anyone who listens but the honesty of Modern Woman makes for an compelling listen, with superbly twangy strings and fantastic rolling drum fills that hold the piece together.
Paul Newman's Eyes acts as an effective musical wishlist for what Dogs would have liked to have been born or grown up with that would have made their lives so much better. It's a brilliantly sarcastic song joking about how in their current state they might as well be stomped to death because they don't have things such as Paul Newman's eyes. The track keeps a solid tempo and manages to milk it with lyrics such as "Here comes the movies, With dialogue so cool, Why did they never teach me to speak like that at primary school." before escalating into an absurd bridge utilising strings, horns and instruments that don't belong in modern rock albums in a fashion reiniscent of an orchestra coming together.

Even brilliant indie rockers might
look to the sea as a pastime.

Pastimes and Lifestyles acts as a bizarre sprint through the best and most diverse locations Scotland has to offer as the lyricists struggle to escape, well, all of them. With instrumentals that wouldn't go amiss in a chase scene and Macintosh's barking lyrics practically reflecting the madness that seems to have been building up throughout the album, it's perhaps the most energetic song on display.
Saving the best for last, A Glimpse at the Good Life is exactly what it says it is. The instruments are utilised just sparingly enough to each individually feel spotty whilst Macintosh's heart-felt wailing almost sounds like a man on the verge of drunkeness realising just how genuinely crappy his life is. Ranging from identifying the problems with a lifestyle and despising the benefits, everything gradually the music begins to feel more and more apocalyptic and eventually becomes slow and speedy all at once, confounding any sort of proper focus. A Glimpse at the Good Life is not only the best song on the album but one of the greatest songs of all time and needs to be heard to be believed.

In this day and age, it's not difficult for good artists to be tragically overlooked and perhaps in this age of iTunes and music torrenting, Dogs were simply unfortunate enough to have been creative enough to inspire in a time too self indulgent to pay attention. Regardless, almost every song on display is handled with a heavy touch which forces the blunt impact that most of the songs have but is rooted with intelligent and witty humour throughout. You don't need to be intelligent or witty to appreciate Please Describe Yourself, though. You simply need to like music.

5/5